On a Shifting Self

Ellen Craft,

Your husband mentioned that although you initially thought it would be impossible to disguise
yourself as a man, after considering the fact that you had never really been considered a
woman either you resolved to disguise yourself. Do you always feel in disguise, concealing
many parts of yourself as a means of survival? He wrote that the laws regarded you as
something “to be bought and sold, or otherwise dealt with as [your] owner might see fit.” How
does it feel to have your identity and sense of self shift within various contexts? I wonder if
you felt this way during your voyage to London in which you passed as white. In this constant
state of double being do you feel a sort of double consciousness as well? Do you feel a sort
of in-betweenness of being black yet being perceived as white? Your husband’s recounting of
your interactions with various white men was appalling, and it reminded me again of the
absurdity of the claims they make to to legitimize white superiority. Whiteness as they think of
it does not even exist because they could not even discern that you were not white. It is a
world of contradiction, and reminded be of the US flag which bears “two emblems--one of fame,”
and the other of shame. I hope that you have found a sense of agency in your life and an ability
to move through the world as you would like. I hope that you are getting closer to having others
see you as you see yourself, not simply how they would like you to be. I hope you feel closer to
a subject acting upon the world instead of an object being acted upon.